Flowers , fir trees and fear continued thoughts and feelings….Chapter 2

So my world became one of constant assessing. I learned very early to read people, antenna always up . My father would beat me and my brothers because of his own self-hatred . The acts that he witnessed and participated in had taken all that was sacred from him. It robbed him of his sense of self or what some would call his soul. His verbal abuse sharp and as frightening as his blows robbed us of any sense of self-worth and the ability to feel blessed for the gift of life which he had been a part of in giving to us. The filter which i viewed life through became very twisted. The emotion that i felt the most, fear, colored all my relationships , judgements, conclusions. I became very good at hiding, staying out-of-the-way, learning how to say things that would soothe and change moments from possible violence to making it ok …I lived this way from the day I was born until the day I moved out of my father’s home when I was 17.

When I finally found a way out , I told no one I was going . I just took all my things from my room and loaded them on a truck and left. I left my mother a letter telling her how much i loved her and that I just could not live there anymore. At the time I left my father was dying. He had cancer. He was 42 years old. The alcohol that he had used to numb his demons had taken its toll. Devouring his liver and his body. My father died never really knowing any of his children and gave us his demons to carry for him. And carry them we did. My father bought the war home with him from Korea, and it’s fears and sickness live on in us today ….As i have matured and tried to heal myself , i accept my fathers “gift” and realize that i can never rid myself of it. But I have learned that I can use it, I can share with others why they should not kill and oppress another because their government demands it. I make no claim to know what it feels like to be shot at or have bombs dropped all around me, or to see those i love broken or dead, and i do not know what it feels like to be the one to take another’s life but i do know what it does to a person to live in constant fear…..

I want to share a video that I found on a friend’s site that attempts to show us how it feels to be a child in a land that is constantly under brutal oppression and war…this video was so moving and touched very raw emotions , there was no where to hide, and i am very good at hiding…please view this in it’s entirety if you can, it is a video made for the children of Palestine, imagine their filter that they view the world through after viewing this video.

so for whatever reason i am unable to add this link so you must copy and paste this url:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1290125926193

in your browser in order to watch the video…enough for now……

Falluja-the Hidden Massacre

In my grownup form and trying to understand my father, this new age of computers has allowed me some insight into what he had to witness and participate in . Please view this video with and open heart and feel the pain and fear of all involved. This is a sickness which we as human beings need to rid our societies by non participation.

Falluja-The Hidden Massacre

They canceled the war because nobody came.

I ain’t hiding under my desk no more!

I am starting this blog to empower myself and to discuss with others, i hope, the fears that are created in us, growing up in the United States. This will create for me a process to become a human being empowered with free thought and a sense of empowerment to be a truly free individual. The picture i have posted is a image of a very early image of my training in public school of what it meant to be an American. I realized how much we as Americans are bathed in fear…What does this do to our psyches as human being? How much of our responses to modern day events and crisis are manufactured , and who and what manufactured our responses? I hope to explore these topics from a very human perspective and in the process free myself to be truly human.