I ain’t hiding under my desk no more!

I am starting this blog to empower myself and to discuss with others, i hope, the fears that are created in us, growing up in the United States. This will create for me a process to become a human being empowered with free thought and a sense of empowerment to be a truly free individual. The picture i have posted is a image of a very early image of my training in public school of what it meant to be an American. I realized how much we as Americans are bathed in fear…What does this do to our psyches as human being? How much of our responses to modern day events and crisis are manufactured , and who and what manufactured our responses? I hope to explore these topics from a very human perspective and in the process free myself to be truly human.

YouTube – Makadi Nahhas – Ra7al مكادي نحاس – رحل

YouTube – Makadi Nahhas – Ra7al مكادي نحاس – رحل.

I am on strike 4 Gaza

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http://freegazaday.wordpress.com/2010/06/28/lets-go-on-global-strike-2/

Please read my comments. I am to post once a day for On Strike 4 Gaza. Please, please feel free to reply or post your own links or comments…peace

Consortiumnews.com

Consortiumnews.com.

Flowers , fir trees and fear continued thoughts and feelings….Chapter 2

So my world became one of constant assessing. I learned very early to read people, antenna always up . My father would beat me and my brothers because of his own self-hatred . The acts that he witnessed and participated in had taken all that was sacred from him. It robbed him of his sense of self or what some would call his soul. His verbal abuse sharp and as frightening as his blows robbed us of any sense of self-worth and the ability to feel blessed for the gift of life which he had been a part of in giving to us. The filter which i viewed life through became very twisted. The emotion that i felt the most, fear, colored all my relationships , judgements, conclusions. I became very good at hiding, staying out-of-the-way, learning how to say things that would soothe and change moments from possible violence to making it ok …I lived this way from the day I was born until the day I moved out of my father’s home when I was 17.

When I finally found a way out , I told no one I was going . I just took all my things from my room and loaded them on a truck and left. I left my mother a letter telling her how much i loved her and that I just could not live there anymore. At the time I left my father was dying. He had cancer. He was 42 years old. The alcohol that he had used to numb his demons had taken its toll. Devouring his liver and his body. My father died never really knowing any of his children and gave us his demons to carry for him. And carry them we did. My father bought the war home with him from Korea, and it’s fears and sickness live on in us today ….As i have matured and tried to heal myself , i accept my fathers “gift” and realize that i can never rid myself of it. But I have learned that I can use it, I can share with others why they should not kill and oppress another because their government demands it. I make no claim to know what it feels like to be shot at or have bombs dropped all around me, or to see those i love broken or dead, and i do not know what it feels like to be the one to take another’s life but i do know what it does to a person to live in constant fear…..

I want to share a video that I found on a friend’s site that attempts to show us how it feels to be a child in a land that is constantly under brutal oppression and war…this video was so moving and touched very raw emotions , there was no where to hide, and i am very good at hiding…please view this in it’s entirety if you can, it is a video made for the children of Palestine, imagine their filter that they view the world through after viewing this video.

so for whatever reason i am unable to add this link so you must copy and paste this url:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1290125926193

in your browser in order to watch the video…enough for now……

Falluja-the Hidden Massacre

In my grownup form and trying to understand my father, this new age of computers has allowed me some insight into what he had to witness and participate in . Please view this video with and open heart and feel the pain and fear of all involved. This is a sickness which we as human beings need to rid our societies by non participation.

Falluja-The Hidden Massacre

They canceled the war because nobody came.

flowers, fir trees and fear

The first thing I remember as a child when my light first came on and I was conscious of my own being, is my father’s presence. I learned at a very young age to read my mother’s face when he came home to either run to him and hug him, over joyed that he was home from work or if my mother’s face wore deep lines and she would not look at my father I would find a tiny safe space in my room which would protect me on at least three sides or run outside where I found the world to be full of soft colors and textures and full of unknown delights. The world around my house , which was made of warm beautiful sweet smelling meadows and cool, shaded wind blown forests provided a safe haven that any child would find welcoming and exciting.

This became my world . Continually assessing for safety or from a child’s perspective, Am i afraid, where can I go so I don’t feel this feeling.” Nature became my home. I spent most of my time as a child, outdoors. Exploring what seemed such a vast world within my small stride. The sounds and feelings of nature soothed and calmed me. The sweet tinkling of the stream, the soft wind pushing my long hair across my body , soft and hardly there,the warmth of the sun like a loving parent blanketing me and kept me safe and made me feel welcome. I felt loved and well cared for by this incredible “mother” earth . As much as this wonderful world embraced me, I always had to return to my house. Where things were never predictable like my other home.
You see my father was a recent veteran of the air force and had spent 4 years in Korea. I remember my mother showing me pictures of him standing by the B-52 which he had flown on , the pictures were all black and white and to me looked foreign and strange. There was never any discussion that I can remember about what my father did , I guess I really didn’t get it at that age . It was just a black and white photo. That is all it was. It had nothing to do with me.
I am going to tell you what it was like living in a house with a human being who was asked by his country to commit such atrocities that it makes him very sick . First I will introduce you to my father.

My father probably at the age of 18 had enlisted in the air force because, he told me, he did not want to be drafted into the army. You see he had polio as a little boy and his right foot and ankle were twisted and gnarled and if forced to use it aggressively it would hurt him badly. He always tried very hard to walk with out a limp in his gait so people would not notice his disability. He was ashamed of it. So at 18 years old , in his mind he decided to do the smart thing and join the air force . I can not tell you a whole lot about what happened to him in Korea, I have heard a few horrible stories. Stories that one would never believe but for the most part my father never shared or cared for us to know about this part of his life. But the scars and wounds that it left on his young soul , never healed and robbed him of his sense of being a part of the beautiful world which i felt so much a part of. The war , or his part in it had made him blind to the beauty , he could not feel anything that was soft or giving….enough for now…

Iraqveteransagainstthe war.net – AOL Search Results

Iraqveteransagainstthe war.net – AOL Search Results.